when you can't sleep...blog
well, once again i can't sleep. it's the same type of feeling as last night. don't feel good, headache, and just ready shed a tear or two. difference is, i'll take something to help me rest before 4:00 a.m.
i think as we're slowing down a bit and getting back to the "routine" of life, i'm realizing things aren't going to ever be the same. while i knew this before now, it's a bit different when that reality sets in and makes a permenant residence in you.
the reality that you can't just go see pawpaw and listen to his words of wisdom, for him to buy circus peanuts - as he started a tradition of a long time ago when we thought faith was allergic to nuts and wanted nuts so bad, being loving pawpaw, he found a way to give her "nuts"! the reality that i won't hear another funny joke followed by a hearty laugh from papa hoyt, to hear him put on a fake accent, or see him fight in another civil war re-enactment (oh, how he loved those, and we'd dress up with him in period dresses!). the reality that memeow won't be calling and reminding us about our family reunion this year, bringing her legendary patato salad to thanksgiving and christmas dinners, or hearing her rant and rave about the latest guy!
both men shaped me into who i am today. one man raised the best father i've ever seen, the other helped bring stability to my mother's and grandmother's lives in midst of confusion. both were men of God and loved their family. both men, i miss greatly. after losing pawpaw, i thought we'd be able to be close to papa hoyt and enjoy him even more. but things change, plans fail, storms rise, and hopes fade - just as the past few weeks have proven.
i guess i am getting to the "why?" stage of the process. i know questions are a part of it, but something i won't have the answer to until years later - or perhaps never will.
well, it's helped to just get this out...it's amazing therapy. :-) i know things won't feel this way for long, because there's promised joy to come in the morning after the night!
i think as we're slowing down a bit and getting back to the "routine" of life, i'm realizing things aren't going to ever be the same. while i knew this before now, it's a bit different when that reality sets in and makes a permenant residence in you.
the reality that you can't just go see pawpaw and listen to his words of wisdom, for him to buy circus peanuts - as he started a tradition of a long time ago when we thought faith was allergic to nuts and wanted nuts so bad, being loving pawpaw, he found a way to give her "nuts"! the reality that i won't hear another funny joke followed by a hearty laugh from papa hoyt, to hear him put on a fake accent, or see him fight in another civil war re-enactment (oh, how he loved those, and we'd dress up with him in period dresses!). the reality that memeow won't be calling and reminding us about our family reunion this year, bringing her legendary patato salad to thanksgiving and christmas dinners, or hearing her rant and rave about the latest guy!
both men shaped me into who i am today. one man raised the best father i've ever seen, the other helped bring stability to my mother's and grandmother's lives in midst of confusion. both were men of God and loved their family. both men, i miss greatly. after losing pawpaw, i thought we'd be able to be close to papa hoyt and enjoy him even more. but things change, plans fail, storms rise, and hopes fade - just as the past few weeks have proven.
i guess i am getting to the "why?" stage of the process. i know questions are a part of it, but something i won't have the answer to until years later - or perhaps never will.
well, it's helped to just get this out...it's amazing therapy. :-) i know things won't feel this way for long, because there's promised joy to come in the morning after the night!
posted by no_average_girl at 12:00 AM
11 Comments:
Never let go of those precious memories.
God is counting your tears.
The sorrow and joy of losing a saved loved one is difficult to handle. Sorrow that we will not see them again on this earth and joy that we will see them again with Jesus!
Blessings to you and yours!
I'm so sorry that you have had trouble sleeping. I can understand what that feels like because I struggle with insomnia. I know you have so much on your heart. I pray that God will give you peace and rest as you continue to trust His good heart and comfort/ease your soul.
I'm praying for you and your family. You are all so dear to me.
Love ya always,
Star
Love ya girlfriend! Stay strong.
I am so sorry . . . and you know I understand. The whys are normal. :) Know I care.
Please visit the website, GriefShare.org. They have daily devotionals you can get, and you might even be able to find a meeting in your area. I just wrote about this last night on my blog. I hope that it can be of encouragement to you.
Loni
You sound like you are working through your grief and sorrow, and it's a normal, healthy thing to do.
When I lost my grandmother, several years ago, I felt some of the same things. Granted, I was much older than you are when my grandma passed, but the sorrow is the same at any age.
Somthing that I've realized that has helped me find blessing in all this for me is that, my own children look at me in a similar vein to how you looked at your grandpas. They now have memories and tradtions that THEY take comfort in from me, and you will also have all those very same things with your own children and grandchildren some day.
Granted, that's a long ways off for you!. It's great, though, that you've had such good, loving, and wonderful role models from which to model your own relationships with children and grandchildren as you grow. Each person has a mission here on earth, and you have had at least two wonderful people in your life that fulfilled that mission with grace and style!
Though you are sad today, you are blessed for tomorrow!
You've had so much to deal with, we all know it hasn't been easy. You have a strong will, though.
While it may not be the "why" you are looking for...I still cling to Romans 8:28-29
ok, crying with you now!!!!!
oh, sweet girl, i know. you were so precious to each of them, in such different ways.
mamaw knew that she could depend on you to do anything she needed...even if it was just painting her nails so she'd look good. -smile-
papa hoyt knew you'd listen to every word of his newest joke or about an upcoming civil war event or re-enactment.
papaw mostly just sat and watched you grow into a beautiful young lady and was so proud of the courage and morals that you instilled.
keep your eyes on the Son!
Oh my dear M. Life goes on though often at this stage we wonder why. Why them? Why now? Why not later? Why are we left with the feelings we have? Why, why why? And God understands. He knows, He cares, He listens and He answers.
Let me tell you a quick story about King Solomon. It is said that the King, feeling blue, asked his advisors to find him a ring he had seen in a dream. "When I feel satisfied I’m afraid that it won’t last. And when I don’t, I am afraid my sorrow will go on forever. Find me the ring that will ease my suffering."
Eventually an advisor met an old jeweler who carved into a simple gold band the Hebrew inscription "gam zeh ya’avor" – "this too shall pass."
When the king received his ring and read the inscription his sorrows turned to joy and his joy to sorrows, and then both gave way to equanimity. When he was having troubles and sorrows, he would look at the ring and remember "This too shall pass". When he looked at the ring in times of happiness and prosperity, he would read the inscription and remember "This too shall pass".
Think of your sorrows my dear friend and and remember "This too shall pass".
Oh, and BTW, you're NOT one of the pet peeve visitors. There are people from Washington and Birmingham and Florida and Texas and New York, etc. who are on my blog - kid you not - up to 50 times a day some days (where do they get the time???) who NEVER have left a comment. Those are the one's I'm talking about in my post today.
Hugs and blessings from on High to you my sweet "little sister".
One more thing my dear friend. Remember the words of "Keep Singing" by MercyMe. I blogged about it last week on the Thankful Thursday. Keep singing, sweetie, keep singing.
Keep Singing
Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing
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