how do you survive?

my widowed grandmother has been with us almost a month. it's been such a blessing to have her here with us, i can't imagine her not being here now! i miss her when she goes and spends the weekends with my aunt!

she has been down today and has had the feelings of being alone. it's so hard on her, as she lost two of her "best friends" a week apart (her husband then her mother). in three days, it will have been a month for papa hoyt. it seems so unreal.

then, as i sit and weep with her, it's hard to realize that i've lost my two "grandpas" and two steady men who proved to me that great, Godly men still existed are now gone. even though i visit them at the graveyard, it still seems as if it's a nightmare i'll wake up from. like tonight, we were eating with granny duh and she said what i was feeling, "it seems he should just walk right in...it's like we're waiting on him!"

how in the world do you help your widowed grandmother survive such a loss? we assure her there's not a single reason to rush home, she's such a blessing to have here. i feel as if i'm inadequate to be here for her. when she's asking these questions, how can i be what she needs? i want so much to take it from her - onto myself. i'm so thankful for my mother (radical one) who always seems to come in at the perfect moment. her words seem to always be blessed and full of grace and wisdom.

there's the question of how to continue to help my dad heal, as well. i mean, i've never walked in his shoes. i can only imagine the tremendous wounds that must come from losing a parent. i would feel so lost without my "dad" what do you do, what do you say? he just seems to get quiet and to himself...how do you pull him out? so many questions, so much hurt. even though all these questions seem overwhelming, i realize there is always a way through it no matter how steep they seem. i've made it through "impossible" situations and i came out fine (if not better and stronger) on the other end. this will prove to be no different, i've just got to trust Him Who knows more than i.

wow, if only it were a nightmare, i'd wake up and go see papa hoyt and pawpaw after getting it all straight in my head. i'd hug them and kiss them and cry over them. then, as a stream of tears comes pouring down, i realize i'm not going to "wake" up. i'm stuck in this nightmare - as we all are.

oh, how i long to have just one more hug from pawpaw after a "wisdom" session, hear one more joke from papa hoyt followed by a hearty laugh, to watch memeow lead a song - even though she may be off key! lol precious, precious memories. thank God i have those!